Writing about Sarah here, as my thoughts are longer than a FB status or tweet.

Random thoughts:

• I gave little thought to what Sarah would first wear after she was born. I knew it would be pooped on.  But thinking about what to put her in to be buried in brought me to my knees. It's forever. It needed to be warm, to be soft. And not be something that I had very strong memories about with the other kids wearing. They are still here. She is not.
• Sometimes people just do. They act, they don't ask questions.  Its a response usually seen at war.. turns out the same applies with death.  My neighbor, who I probably would not recognize in the grocery store, left a bag of books on our doorstep. She picked them out from the library, and left them with a note.  Kids' books, on death and dying. Thank you, Theresa.
• Jonah hit Rachel last night. And bit the head right off of his toothbrush.  At the bus stop, he immediately told the kids "my baby is dead."  I know he's confused. And his questions are simple, but without any easy answers. All the websites say to keep an open dialogue with your kids. And to answer their questions.  But they don't tell you what the answers are. I want the answers. Please.
• Rachel said "baby in belly," last night.  I said no, the baby is all gone. She put up her hands and asked where? I said she is safe and with God. She immediately reverted to a game of hide and seek and sang, "Baby... where are youuuuuu...."
• I have never been more grateful to have a two year old still nursing. One of the websites I visited talked about aching arms. And its so true. Having her in my arms, nursing last night in bed? It let me sleep. 
• Rachel keeps on handing me tissues to wipe my tears. She is very perceptive and I can see my grief reflected in her own face. I've heard that babies who have mothers who are chronically depressed have problems expressing emotions. I'm so glad for my sister, who is keeping her giggly and alive in spirit. I have been able to laugh, but the worry in Rachel's face clear.
• When I moved to this area in 1998, I knew perhaps 5 people. Nearly 15 years later, we have amassed an incredible network of support. Your words mean more than I realized. Thank you.