Ahava / love

"Mama? Does Baby Sarah wear a diaper?"

"Mama, four is not enough."

Jonah's questions usually come out when we are driving in the car or late at night while he is being tucked into bed. He's still having a hard time, understanding death. Wondering where did Sarah go?

Last night, all I could think about was that he thought we didn't want her, that she was somehow alone and we got rid if her. My brain without enough sleep is like a terrorist's torture machine.

We spent so many months preparing Jonah and Rachel for Sarah's arrival. Building images of how things would be exactly the same and so very different in a bigger family. It wasn't that four wasn't enough - but that we had so much love that we wanted more people in our family.

Now we're trying to explain that all the love in the world wasn't enough to keep Sarah from dying.