Should I stay or should I go?

You won't be surprised that I am having a hard time with the Thankfulness of the season. Bittersweet doesn't really capture it. Really more of a bitter sweet guilt cycle.

Bitter because we don't have Sarah. Sweet because I am purposely trying to enjoy the moments with Jonah and Rachel that we wouldn't have had in this way if I was caring for Sarah right now. And of course, massive guilt for enjoying it. Or better yet, guilt for feeling overwhelmed when it's just the two of them.

I went to our local babywearing meeting on Tuesday. I almost didn't go. But I needed to. So I msg'd a friend to let her know I was going. And I went. I'm glad I did... but it wasn't easy.

I'm not sure if it would have been harder to go or easier to stay home. But it doesn't really matter.

In the end, it's just hard to be in a place with no right answers.

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I saw this quote, posted on another blog, earlier today.  It happens to be one of my favorites - favorite movie, favorite quote. Clearly it was meant to be shared.

I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday.

- Lester Burnham, American Beauty