Empty

I started an accidental tradition last year at Chanukah. I had plenty of time to do the present shopping, but left the wrapping to the very last second.

I love wrapping presents. Making sharp creases on the most odd shaped boxes, taping all the edges.

But I ran out of time.

So in a burst of inspiration (and desperation?) I hid the presents in Jonah's bed, tucking them under the covers.

It was a hit. Both kids thought it was silly to look under the covers each night for their presents. And since then have reminded me frequently that this is the way WE do it in our family.

I love the way we accidentally created something awesome out of something that wasn't there.

At this time of year, when most people are gearing up for a season of thankfulness, I'm feeling that gaping hole of Sarah who is not here. Is there anything good in what feels like a bottomless pit of grief? Do we find a way to incorporate Sarah into our season? Or is it just too soon to even fathom it?

Rachel and I visited the fabric store this morning, picking out fleece to be made into new blankets for her bed - and Jonah's. She scored Sesame Street. Jonah got Thomas the Train. And I blinked away the tears when I spied adorable, brightly colored birds that would have been perfect for my Sarah.

Maybe next year.

Maybe then we'll find some good in the fleecy birds and create something good in this absence.