Saving

After the birth of a still child, I'm sure everyone questions their choices. Did I do enough? Should we have had more tests? What if we had done another ultrasound? Was it a mistake to be with a midwifery practice, rather than an OB?

And the result of all of these "what's" is that perhaps Sarah saved us. Saved us from having to make heartbreaking, heart wrenching decisions that no one wants to make.

Let me explain.

My care with my midwife was exceptional. She offered us every test available. She counseled us on the pros and cons. And when I wasn't sure how we should proceed, we'd talk about what we would do with the information from a test. Was it reliable? Accurate? And if it did indeed indicate something "bad" what sort of decision would we be willing to make, based on what we knew?

Our appointments were a full hour long. She wasn't just checking my physical health - she was keeping tabs on my mental health, my kids. My husband, who had two major surgeries during my second trimester. I wasn't just her patient - she was watching over all of us.

And when it came time to talk about preparing for birth, she didn't suggest a class or a book for us. She told us to take a break from our daily grind and plan a series of dates. Just the two of us, to reconnect as a couple. To spend time thinking about the newest member of our family, and not to forget what is important.

It's possible that some of those late tests could have revealed something about Sarah's condition. It might have told us the severity. Or not. And we would had to make decisions. Induce early? Spend weeks on bedrest with intensive monitoring? And if she came out alive, were her injuries too severe that that her life would have been a series of operations, infections and suffering?

We're fairly sure that Sarah had a closed form of spina bifida. Her lower spine wasn't formed properly. From the outside it was apparent her digestive system wasn't right. Her kidneys were compromised. And I now know from reading online that spinal bifida effects the entire spinal column. It's likely she would have had problems, ranging from a learning disability to mental retardation. And rarely do kids with SB get better. It's a cascading series of interventions and management.

All of these what if's. All of these maybes. I know it's completely inappropriate to ever suggest that perhaps things played out for the best. But in this case I can say that perhaps Sarah's death did save us. Save us from making the most critical of decisions. From weeks, months or even years of watching her decline. And the rippling effect it has on the most stable of families.

I've always believed that things happen for a reason. That God only gives us as much as we can handle. And that we must learn from every curve that is sent our way.

I'm not yet sure what the takeaway is from Sarah's death. But for now it is not taking health, safety or love for granted.