Rachel was all but weaned before Sarah's birth. She'd indulge before bedtime and when she woke, and we had reached that amazing point where she would accept a snuggle and cuddle from either me or my husband to comfort her into snoozeville. We could be apart all day and still be okay.
But in these days after Sarah's death, the most soothing feeling is filling my arms with Rachie. And when my milk came in three days after giving birth, it was R who kept me from needing to pump. Nursing her produced natural rushes of oxytocin to keep my body from sliding into a dark funk. I could stare into her eyes, stroke her cheek and know that I was still desperately needed.
Last night was the first night in recent memory where everyone in our household slept all night long. Jonah in his top bunk, Rachel in the king sized bed with me and the husband. Despite my best intentions, I had failed to transition her to her own bed before Sarah was born, like I had planned.
So many plans that didn't turn out as we had hoped.
Instead, this morning, we made the best of it. Rachel latched on before she fully woke and glugged for a good 20 minutes. I actually had to burp her. Then Jonah came barreling out of his room, as if on cue. And then all four of us cuddled, tickled and cajoled in that big bed as the sun slowly peeked in. Not the five of us, as I had envisioned not that long ago, but the four of us who will always have a piece of Sarah in our hearts.
Beautiful post, Abby...hugs to your family.
ReplyDeleteI've read through all of your posts, Abby. I'm honored to be another "stranger" being so deeply touched by them. Nursing truly is some of the best medicine in so many ways. Sending you much, much love and I do hope to give you a big hug in person someday.
ReplyDeleteAnother beautiful post. Glad you had your Rachel When my milk came in it felt like a slap in the face that there was no baby to drink it. The last few sentences I can especially identify with though.
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