We have the genetic counseling appointment set for late next week. I'm hoping that they may be able to provide us with some answers as to why Sarah developed spina bifida occulta, a Neural Tube Defect (NTD). I wonder if a folic acid problem contributed to the bleeding I had in all my pregnancies. I wonder if they will find anything that would lead us to believe that future pregnancies will yield a happy, healthy baby.
This is where my blog tackles what has unfortunately become a political issue in the US - the right to terminate a pregnancy.
I am pro-choice. It's not that I want to have an abortion. Or that I could give you a set of absolute circumstances that would make me choose to abort.
But I am adamant that every woman has the right to healthcare that comes from a place that respects her faith, values and medical history. This means that she consults her doctor, her midwife, her clergy, partner, family and friends - not a politician looking to be re-elected.
I bring up abortion because it's one of the reasons we previously avoided extensive prenatal testing. My logic, up until Sarah was born, is that we had two previously perfect children with no factors that suggested that future pregnancies would be any different. And knowing about a potential defect would mean having to make decisions that I did not even want to contemplate. I preferred to do standard testing and not investigate any further than necessary.
But now things have changed. In this post-Sarah world, another pregnancy could never be considered normal, typical or unremarkable without ruling factors out.
It's the flowchart that I don't want to draw. What if we discovered that we conceived another child with a NTD? Could they predict the severity? Would she be viable? And could we deal with another loss, whether through a deliberate decision to terminate or another stillborn experience? And of course, all the shades of gray in the middle.
I write all this because it needs to be said. None of this is easy to write or ever consider. But they are the thoughts in my head and they are true. And these days, it's all I've got to hold onto.
i have commented here before and am following this blog and silently supporting you on this journey. I am one of Michelle's clients and told her i keep wanting to comment, but have been trying to stop myself and let you find your way. This is one thing I wanted to share with you though. My daughter was born with anencephaly and we did not know she had this until she came out. When it got to the point to go through the testing we too struggled with all of these issues concerning future possible pregnancies and it was not easy. i do want to tell you that I was pregnant 7 months later and gave birth to a healthy boy and 4 years after that I had another healthy baby--a daughter. The pregnancies were definitely a different experience than before our loss. It became hard to say "when" the baby comes and easier to think "if". the tests were suddenly important and "knowing" seemed so necessary, when before we hadn't even had ultrasounds.
ReplyDeleteas the months went by I began to feel confident in my heart that our little girl came and went in the way she needed to and we had just been her way through this process. This is how I can feel like i gave my daughter what she ultimately needed and she has given me so much in return.
Our experiences are similar in many ways and I just want to let you know that I am out here, supporting you and sending love. be gentle with yourself and keep up the beautiful healing that you are doing.