Not quite there

I spent the morning with just my five-year old.  It's something long overdue that we don't do nearly enough.  Usually I like to send the kids off with my husband to run errands on weekends and to take a break from it all. Or I soldier the courage to join them and we go off as a family to conquer several stores. Yes, I'm comparing it to war. It requires patience, planning and often results in injuries. 

So today Jonah and I went off to the grocery store. It was delightful. He was kind and helpful. And watching just one child out of my peripheral vision rather than two (and going cross-eyed) was amazing. Afterwards he asked if we could spend more time together. And we did. We went to the library, borrowed an iPad for an hour and nerded out together.  Our visit was finished with Legos and of course, checking out books for the week.

It was the sort of time and full attention that I could never have given him at this point in the game, had Sarah lived. And so I was there with him, doing all of these things, putting on the bravest face possible. But all I could do was think about her.