Dates

I try not to give due dates when people ask - I learned that people get fixated on Late and Early. So Sarah was very quickly referred to as our October Otter.

When I woke up on the last day of October, right around 3am, I knew it was going to be her birthday. She had been teasing me relentlessly for days with regular contractions. And in fact, she made her appearance soon after 10pm that evening.

Halloween has always been one of my favorite holidays. Making costumes, having an excuse to spray my hair blue?

While I was at the hospital, saying hello and goodbye to Sarah, Jonah and Rachel were oblivious to it all, thanks to my family and friends. They had their last normal Halloween. When gravestones were just rocks and joking about scary dead things were truly pretend.

Now? We'll forever have to deal with the pairing of their sister's death alongside a holiday that makes light of it all.

Halloween will never be the same. And so much so that until today, I could not bring myself to look at the photos that my dear friend took that day of the kids in their costumes. Because it's impossible to look and not want to see Sarah in those shots, wearing a matching giraffe costume that had been made for her by her Bubbe.

There will always be parties on the anniversary of Sarah's death. Parades at school, knocks on the door, people to face. A constant reminder that I won't be able to hide from the world on the very last day of October.