Answers

The results came back from the genetic counselor.

The good news? Nothing wrong.

The bad news? No answers.

The statistics are encouraging. The chances of having another child with spina bifida are less than 2%. But based my history of recurrent miscarriages, the chances of us making it past the first trimester are around 50%.

In my moments of clarity, I like to think of the miscarriages as blessings. Nature's way (God's way?) of bringing us strong, healthy children.  But that doesn't explain Sarah, who died only a few hours before being born.  She *was* with us for a reason, right?

I know she's made many of my relationships stronger. She's taught me what true grief feels like. And she's helped me reflect on my own past actions towards friends who have had losses, where I'm sure I didn't do the right thing.

I suspect, over time, this list will keep on growing.
We'll all grow, but she will forever be Baby Sarah.

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Edited for clarification:

The geneticist took blood samples from both me and my husband, to help give us more information about the chances of conceiving another child with Spina Bifida / NTD.