Let go

My sister came over and helped me tackle the wall of boxes in the living room. I was ready. It needed to be done. She was wonderful and efficient.

But it still felt paralyzing to find the odd baby item, nestled into the chaos of toys, clothing and mess. I've chosen to keep the infant things for now, despite a therapist's suggestion of tossing everything out and starting new if we decide to have more kids. (Yeah, I had to break up with her. She and I clearly didn't speak the same language.)

I'm not sure if its more courage or stupidity to even entertain the idea of getting pregnant again. But saying absolutely not brings tears to my eyes instantly. And they aren't tears of relief. So for now, its on the list of things that I am not allowed to decide right now.

Turns out that trauma completely blurs your sense of reality. For me, its been feeling like I've been startled. Except that rather than the sensation lasting a few seconds, it hangs on much longer. I'm currently trying to retrain my brain to learn exactly what is worth being upset about and what things just need to be let go.