Floating

Yesterday, our sweet Sarah would have been 5 months old. Its hard not to think of the milestones that never come. No smiles, no giggles. No crawling. No amazing moments when they look you firmly in the eye and exclaim, "Mama!" It hurts just to type it.

I've been trying to make a conscious choice to focus on the good things happening with our family.  Jonah just got his first two-wheeled bike. He was ready last summer, but I held back, knowing I couldn't chase him while pregnant. He is thrilled with this next step of independence.

Rachel almost convinced us to buy her a two-wheeler. There was a 12-inch model at the store, and dude, she rode it like a boss. If it had been less money, I might have caved. But she has a trike which is more steady - and I was able to bribe her instead with a new purple horn.

The kids are going to start swimming lessons in a few more weeks. I'm not sure how much Rachel will pick-up, but leaving her out isn't an option. She would be an angry beast to find out that Jonah was swimming without her. Me too, me too.

I've discovered a lot of this post-loss grief stuff is about making choices to move on. I'm still getting sad and having moments where I'm angry at life in general. But I've discovered that some of it is under my control. Taking time for myself - making plans with friends - asking for help - and just generally making my needs important to me again. I think I've often fallen into the trap of putting everyone else first. Its been my survival tactic of being a SAHM. Keep the boat afloat and worry about myself later.  Except these days, its necessary to do both. Because if the mama falls apart and no one is steering, it doesn't matter if there is a boat. And floating in one place has never been my style.