Things that are hard

+ Going to story time, seeing a mother nursing a newborn
+ Seeing FB posts of glowing mothers, holding their new, healthy babies
+ Seeing a FB post about someone going into labor
+ Filling out the online forms for genetic testing, clicking the button six times to detail 6 pregnancies
+ Being in the car and having time to think
+ Being up late at night and having time to think
+ Thinking

Goodbye November. You've been a dreadful month.

Middle

I drove past the cemetery yesterday. The gate was locked, but I could easily see the small tree next to Sarah's spot.

There are days where everything is almost normal. And then there are moments on top of moments where she is the only thing on my mind, here on the last day of November.

Upstream or down

Had a great conversation with a friend this morning. (Who needs therapy anyway?)

In short, we spoke about the amount of courage it takes to even contemplate going through another pregnancy after a loss. Its' not just getting pregnant.  It's 40+ weeks of knowing things may not turn out okay. The sheer volume of fear that must be overcome?

Overwhelming.
Exhausting.
Terrifying.

But in the end, it may not matter at all.  Despite anyone's best laid plans, it's all one gigantic leap of faith.

Things with faces

Jonah's teacher read the class a story about a wolf who ate a dead armadillo. At least according to Jonah's rendition.

I used the opportunity to talk about the parallels of the armadillo being dead, just like Sarah. Perhaps it wasn't the savviest parenting move, but I immediately saw Jonah make a new connection in his understanding of what death is. And he was reassured that people don't get eaten.

Slowly

Very slowly we are making plans. First this, then that.

My weight has yo-yo'd for the past 6 years with pregnancies and nursing. It comes off, through diet and exercise, always with my eye on the next baby. Finding new motivation is hard. But necessary.

We had zero plans to travel, but now I'm thinking about a short trip during spring break and a longer trip in the summer to the DC area to see cousins, museums and maybe a beach?

It's hard to start to move forward. But I think it may be even harder to stay still. Everything has to change.

Chosen family

The last time I saw my friend R we were both pregnant. She was 4 months along and just starting to show. I was just a few weeks and cautiously optimistic.

Fast forward 9 months and neither of us have a baby in our arms. But for very different reasons.

You see, R wasn't pregnant with her own child. In one of the most generous acts possible, she was a surrogate and gave birth to an adorable baby boy. Who now lives with his biological parents many miles away.

Today I am thankful that there are extraordinary people like R who miraculously gave the gift of making a family.

Ahava / love

"Mama? Does Baby Sarah wear a diaper?"

"Mama, four is not enough."

Jonah's questions usually come out when we are driving in the car or late at night while he is being tucked into bed. He's still having a hard time, understanding death. Wondering where did Sarah go?

Last night, all I could think about was that he thought we didn't want her, that she was somehow alone and we got rid if her. My brain without enough sleep is like a terrorist's torture machine.

We spent so many months preparing Jonah and Rachel for Sarah's arrival. Building images of how things would be exactly the same and so very different in a bigger family. It wasn't that four wasn't enough - but that we had so much love that we wanted more people in our family.

Now we're trying to explain that all the love in the world wasn't enough to keep Sarah from dying.